Illustration for article titled White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the president so overwhelmingly innocent that the average human mind, unable to grasp just how completely free from culpability he is, would lose its grip on reality and spiral into insanity,” said Huckabee-Sanders, who warned that the general public, upon reading the 300-page report, would be reduced to “gibbering idiots,” foaming at the mouth as they read the secret revelations that confirm President Trump is the single least-guilty individual in the history of mankind. “If everyday citizens were to see for themselves how thoroughly the president has been absolved from any conceivable wrongdoing, they would have a total psychotic breakdown, perhaps gouging their eyes out or stripping naked and running into oncoming traffic. Maybe Democrats don’t care if crazed readers of the full report start cannibalizing their own family members, but in the interests of public safety, we cannot release these pages.” Huckabee-Sanders later added that a raving, feral Attorney General William Barr had recently been fitted with a straightjacket and confined to a secure psychiatric facility.


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