Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

  • Preferred Title: Dr. President Carson
  • Birthplace: Successfully overcome
  • Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people’s bodies open with scalpel
  • Minority Appeal: You would think so, but no
  • First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours
  • Likely Placement In Primary Debates: Halfway in frame on right side of screen
  • Nightmare: Getting arms, legs entangled in huge social safety net
  • Special Ability: Can flatten taxes with bare hands
  • Fun Fact: It technically possible that this individual might be president someday

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