Here is a guide to the major speakers who will be addressing attendees on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention:


Martin O’Malley (Former Governor, Maryland):

Will fail to gain any traction in his speech and be forced to leave the stage early

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Jerry Brown (Governor, California):

Parched and severely dehydrated, the California governor will use his last ounce of strength to pull himself up to the podium and beg for help

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Michael Bloomberg (CEO, Bloomberg L.P.):

Now it’s the DNC’s turn to roll out a disliked former mayor of New York City


Tim Kaine (Vice Presidential Nominee):

Pundits are warning that the Virginia senator might go off-teleprompter to add in a missing preposition

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Joe Biden (Vice President):

Has promised that after he gets up onstage and delivers a stirring speech, there “won’t be a single dry thigh in the house”

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Barack Obama (President):

Will share his experiences of holding the highest office in the nation to argue that being president tends to require someone who is relatively rational and can maintain a single stream of thought

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