‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow. “Every time I open my mouth, the words come out all wrong,” Trump reportedly said in between long, heaving sobs, his voice muffled by the pillow as he occasionally pounded a balled-up fist into the mattress. “I try so hard, but I just can’t talk right, and everyone gets so mad at me. I just wish I could talk nicely like everyone else.” At press time, an exhausted Trump had reportedly cried himself into a perfectly sound sleep.

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