WASHINGTON—Shaking himself back to consciousness and cardiopulmonary function following a momentary lapse in personal viability, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross apologized to the other cabinet members after briefly dying during a meeting on steel tariffs Friday. “Whoops, sorry about that—just walked towards the light for a second,” said Ross, blinking rapidly as his neurons resumed firing and his soul settled back into its vessel of flesh following his latest brush with eternity. “Sorry, folks, all brain function just sort of ceased there and I briefly beheld the sight of my dead loved ones beckoning to me from the far side of the gate to the night country. What’d I miss?” Sources confirmed that Ross’ colleagues have previously expressed their annoyance at the secretary’s brushes with mortality, claiming they find themselves distracted by his loud and frequent death rattles.

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