Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

Illustration for article titled Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate:

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Winners

  • Ted Cruz: Emitted his policies toward the audience at an impressive 105 dB
  • Chris Christie: Found a good, firm grip on his podium that he really liked
  • Lindsey Graham: Home from early debate in time for American Pickers marathon
  • Mike Huckabee: Won over audience with stirring, heartfelt story about everyday presidential candidates struggling to evade basic questions
  • Debate Moderators: Somehow able to get under the skin of notoriously calm, reasonable group of GOP candidates
  • Podiums: Remain the go-to structure for debates
  • Jeb Bush: Only has to endure a couple more weeks of this

Losers

  • Rand Paul: Sure to plunge in the polls after committing cardinal sin of fighting with the debate moderators
  • Carly Fiorina: Lost points with voters after vowing to reduce American economy to three jobs
  • Ben Carson: Failed to bring up his really cool Siamese twin separation thing even once
  • The Panglobal Liberal Consortium: Conspiring members of the elite, all-powerful underground society were forced to scramble out of their cherry-paneled boardroom into safe houses following several knowing remarks on the part of the GOP candidates
  • CNBC: Independent of the night’s proceedings, CNBC remains a terrible network
  • Working-Class Women: Forced to endure Carly Fiorina associating herself with them
  • Marco Rubio: Moved one step closer to becoming the national face of the Republican Party

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