The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate:

Winners

  • Ted Cruz: Emitted his policies toward the audience at an impressive 105 dB
  • Chris Christie: Found a good, firm grip on his podium that he really liked
  • Lindsey Graham: Home from early debate in time for American Pickers marathon
  • Mike Huckabee: Won over audience with stirring, heartfelt story about everyday presidential candidates struggling to evade basic questions
  • Debate Moderators: Somehow able to get under the skin of notoriously calm, reasonable group of GOP candidates
  • Podiums: Remain the go-to structure for debates
  • Jeb Bush: Only has to endure a couple more weeks of this

Losers

  • Rand Paul: Sure to plunge in the polls after committing cardinal sin of fighting with the debate moderators
  • Carly Fiorina: Lost points with voters after vowing to reduce American economy to three jobs
  • Ben Carson: Failed to bring up his really cool Siamese twin separation thing even once
  • The Panglobal Liberal Consortium: Conspiring members of the elite, all-powerful underground society were forced to scramble out of their cherry-paneled boardroom into safe houses following several knowing remarks on the part of the GOP candidates
  • CNBC: Independent of the night’s proceedings, CNBC remains a terrible network
  • Working-Class Women: Forced to endure Carly Fiorina associating herself with them
  • Marco Rubio: Moved one step closer to becoming the national face of the Republican Party

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