DENVER—Pausing a moment to pull up the information on her phone, area woman Robin Mizes, 32, figured she should quickly read up on the presidential nominees’ policy stances after casting her vote Tuesday, sources confirmed. “It’s probably a good idea to learn a little bit about the candidates and what they think about the issues,” said Mizes a few minutes after filling out her ballot and submitting it to poll workers, noting that she was particularly curious about the candidates’ tax plans and proposals for improving the economy. “So they’re both against this free trade plan, but Trump wants to get rid of Obamacare and Hillary doesn’t. And Hillary’s for more gun control. That’s good to know.” At press time, Mizes was reportedly considering looking up information on the down-ballot candidates she had already picked before shrugging her shoulders and deciding it would be too much of a hassle.
Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2016.