WASHINGTON—Muttering softly under his breath as he leaned his head against the tiled bathroom wall, President Barack Obama repeatedly reminded himself that he was not his job over the course of a 15-minute shower Friday morning, White House sources confirmed. “This job does not define you,” the commander-in-chief reportedly thought to himself as he stood there with his eyes closed, hands hanging at his sides while letting streams of water run down his face. “You are Barack Obama. You have two kids and a wife who love you. You have dreams and beliefs. That’s the man you were before you came into office, and that’s who you’ll be when you leave. Whatever else happens out there today, they can’t take that away from you.” Sources confirmed that the chief executive then stared unblinkingly at water circling the bath’s drain for several minutes before turning off the faucet and reaching for a towel.
More from The Onion