WASHINGTON—Appearing before the House Intelligence Committee at Friday’s impeachment hearing, former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified that she was recalled from her post so a corrupt back channel could run U.S. policy in Ukraine but gets it if no one cares about anything anymore. “President Trump and his allies conducted a smear campaign against me knowing I would refuse to participate in advancing illegal activities on their behalf, though I totally understand if you don’t give a shit because that’s just the way things work now and nothing matters,” said Yovanovitch, who stated that while she found Trump’s actions “shocking” and “unprecedented,” lawmakers were free to cut her off at any time so that they could all go back to wallowing in the sense of meaninglessness that has come to permeate American life. “This has never really happened in the history of the modern presidency, but I can sympathize if you’re shrugging it off—I’m shrugging it off, too. Even if we do prove the president is guilty of high crimes, so what? It’s not like there are rules anymore. Frankly, I was surprised that I was called to testify at all.” At press time, Yovanovitch told the committee that if anyone wanted to join her, she was heading to a bar to drink until she couldn’t feel anything anymore.
More from The Onion